Motivated.. or not?

I thought I didn't care... and that what you said wasn't going to have any sort of negative impact on me...and that I knew why I was comin to class... and I didn't need any motivation from you... I was self motivated.. but I was wrong.. funny how words can keep repeating themselves in your head... maybe I do need motivation ... or at least ...I don't need "de-motivation" !!

I've been trying really hard... and I'm doing it with two intentions(niyyahs)...
1. To learn how to recite Quran the correct way.. so that am able to read it and feel that am doing it right almost like the Sheikhs, and get closer to Allah by doing that... and
2. To be able to teach it later on to people whose native tongue isn't Arabic... we have a lack of "mo7afezaat" here in Alex who understand English and can explain tajweed in English.. wanted to get the reward (ajr) of doing that..

So I was motivated... only had 7 classes and could already feel the improvement in myself... you even told me so by the 4th class...see?... you "motivated" me... you told me I was getting better and you could hear the difference... why did you do what you did last class then? After half the class had recited (and many hadn't learnt their part well.. and you had to repeatedly correct them)... it was my turn... you only corrected me once in one of the last Ayahs...I said it all right ..you couldn't hear any mistakes except for that tiny thing in the end... and so ... what do you say?... do you tell me first that I did a good job... that I sort of perfected my tajweed this time...no ... you go and tell me that my tone was monotonous.. and that you want more "feeling" in it.. and that it seems I don't understand what I'm saying !!!! OH-MY-GOD !! I am flabbergasted and gob-smacked!! I mean you could say that coz you want me to be even better... but you could at least have given me credit for not making mistakes!! No? Besides you're the one who told us to focus now on saying it right and that later on we'd be able to play around with our voices... FYI I only recite that way in class for you..so that you can hear all the a7kaam clearly.. when I pray it's different...

I didn't want to embarrass you in class and tell you that though... so even when the class started objecting and saying "but she has a nice voice etc"...I was like "thanks .. Jazakom Allah khayran".. but I think I know what R means... but I'm going to talk to you aside next class inshAllah... I teach, y'know.. and I've seen the difference between the performance of motivated students who've been encouraged.. and that of demotivated students who feel they'll never be good enough...

I think you've got to be more careful.. you never know how the words you choose to say may affect your students...

Ramble ramble

Am supposed to quickly make the rest of lunch and then run to the office... was reading blogs instead ...but no energy to comment....gonna be late.... am going to be even later by writing this ... but for the first time in months I really feel I wanna write ... about what ... I have absolutely no idea... I haven't blogged in ages ... I wrote a couple of posts but never put them on the blog... just spilled them out onto my keyboard... never got round to posting them ...

God I love his voice ... the sheikh I used to go to pray tarawee7 with in Ramadan ... am listening to him now... I miss Ramadan .. the spirituality...the " looking for ways" to please Allah ... this constant feeling that drives you to pray and contemplate... and enjoy standing in His hands... even though I try to "renew my spirituality" every now and then ... somehow it's not like Ramadan .. maybe coz am sort of doing it alone ... not like when you see the whole city rushing to Him ... Oh I don't know ...

But al7amdulilah yesterday enjoyed myself immensely... seeing their little faces light up when I just clap... watching him concentrate on the ball like a pro... gently kicking it and not letting it touch the ground as I count...1, 2, 3 , .... and the joy and excitement in his eyes when he outdoes his last count... and you little tiny one.... you had the most amusing giggle when you found you could actually catch and throw the ball... running around... painting their little faces... blowing balloons... laughing.. oh it was wonderful... al7amdulilah...thank you S for helping me to do this.... have promised myself that am going to do this more often and not just on special occassions... just pray that I keep my promise....

Mama told me on chat yesterday that my cousin got divorced 10 days ago... we could see it comin but never really thought it would happen ... whatever that's supposed to mean... the weird thing is I get to know from Mama who's in Libya! And I'm sitting over here and I don't know ... they didn't tell me ... I could see that there was something seriously wrong the past few months... I mean I'd go to visit my aunt at any time of the day and find him there... sometimes with his kids and sometimes alone...but they wouldn't tell me anything ... his sister told me there were problems but no details .... I don't want to know details ... but I just wish I could've helped in any way... I mean by just letting them talk ... them staying together may not really have been the best idea... and maybe this divorce is for the best... but I just hope they don't have any hard feelings... which I doubt :( the thing is I was considered the "little cousin" who lives in Lala Land... where everyone's "nice" ... so they wouldn't really tell me anything... though lately my oldest cousin who's around 10 years older than me has started to feel that I've actually "grown up" !! Anyway Rabena yehawwen 3aleihom... I pray that this doesn't affect their 2 little bright boys... and that they manage to deal with it bema yordi Allah... w Rabena yeheehom w yehdeena ajma3een...

So much to say and no words... all in my head... been so for a couple of days ... a colleague at work told me am not my usual bubbly self... what's wrong? Nothing's wrong al7amdulilah ... just a lot in my head... think I need a long talk with God... will do that tonight isA...

Just checked on the rice... done... so gotta run