Living Life

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Dear A,

I don't know when you'll get this... or even if you ever will... but I'm writing it all the same; just because I feel like writing to you.... had the sudden urge to write... to write you a letter that one day you'll hold in your hands and unfold to find my words scattered yet filling the page...

It's now 1:12 am, Friday 17th March... I'm at my aunt's house... sleeping over... How strange life is and how the days bring the most unexpected things... who would've thought that one day I would be all alone here in Alexandria without any of my family?! But here I am- alone- no mama, no baba, no S, & not even dear H... this is life my friend... and as strong as I may seem on the outside... there are times like today and this very moment, that I feel I really need someone... someone close... someone with whom I can be totally myself ...

As I write this... in spite of myself... tears stream down my face... not tears of self pity ... no... tears of longing... tears of .... oh I don't know what to call them... but I can tell you that's it been long since I last cried... and seems all this was bottled up inside... and it was time to let it all out...

But life goes on el7amdulilah... and things are fine.... I'm still the same old me... pretty much the same... and I've made many friends- people who seem to enjoy my company and appreciate it... but are they really friends? What are friends again? And how do we know that we may now call one a friend? Sub7an Allah... feelings that can never be fully understood or explained to oneself!

I don't want you to worry about me, dear A... I'm fine... I assure you... but it's alright to feel weak once in a while, isn't it? No harm in that... After months and months of my happy, smiling, confident face on display... one night of weak tears is nothing, right? But it is something; something that will inshAllah keep me going and recharge me for more and more days of the happy, confident face... the way everyone around me sees me... only you and H can tell when behind that strong face lies weakness.... you both see right through me... and today you surely would've felt it....

Ya Allah, I haven't let myself cry like this for ages! The feeling of the warm tears on my face... how soothing they feel as they slowly trickle down on my cheeks and onto my neck... El7amdulilah and sub7an Allah that God created tears to relieve us... Sub7an Allah ...

Now there are no more tears left my friend... Thank you for listening... I knew I could count on you... as I've always done and will always do inshAllah...



At 3/19/2006 01:22:00 AM, Blogger Dalulla said...

nothing on my mind now but this:

Ou7ebek Fellah, Allahoma Erzokha bel sakina wal touma2nina, wa 2anis we7datha, wa koun khayra rafik, fa rifkatika ya mawlana khayro refka, anta al 7anan, ariha 7aninka, waj3alha ta3lam an laha so7ba mo7iba tou7ebaha fellah, al 2an, wa 7ata nalkaka wa as2alouka an tajma3ana fe jinan el khold ya rab al 3alameen. Ameen Ameen Ameen.


At 3/19/2006 09:40:00 AM, Blogger LouLou said...

Oh NO ya Meme.:(

So sorry to see you so sad. ISA by the time you read this you will be yourself again.

I know it's tough. Change is always tough. And for sure I know how hard it is to be away from loved ones. My mother left a few days ago & it was heart-wrenching after I got used to having her here again.

Bas ya 7abibti when you feel sad why do you have to show a 'happy, confident face' & bottle up your feelings? Show your real face, acknowledge your sadness, weakness & look for release. Cry if you need to or write or paint. Cope with your feelings instead of denying them & you will find they will run their course & vanish faster. No one can be happy & confident all the time. It's just putting extra pressure on yourself to keep up a pretence.

Yarab yijma3kum 3ala khair you & your family ISA.

At 3/19/2006 09:40:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said... is all out is good to cry out...hope it left you with the "what a relief" feeling. cheer up pink angel...I still believe u r an angel nomatter what u say ;-)

At 3/19/2006 01:47:00 PM, Blogger Rain said...

Dear Me,

Very moving letter...hope it'll reach A somehow and he/she calls u or reply back.

I was wondering, why don't u contact A in person?? or did u lose contact with him/her?

At 3/19/2006 01:52:00 PM, Blogger Wonderer said...

Dear Me,

I don't now how to phrase this. I know what you are talking about. I always feel this feeling of loneliness from time to time.
But walahy ya me, a chat with you, Nerro, Doshar, ATC, Chari, Dallula...etc walahy makes a great difference to me.

That is the role of true friends. They can be a great comfort even without noticing it.

"I've made many friends... but are they really friends?"

I consider you a friend and a good one too:) If you consider me so and you feel that talking to me might be a relief and takes you out your saddness and lonliness, plz SMS me and I will be ready for a yahoo chat anytime you want.

Cheer up dear,

At 3/20/2006 11:05:00 AM, Blogger doshar said...

hey dearest me;

Though i know you are better now... but Rabbena ma3aky dayman ISA. everyone gets lonely sometimes, but ISA this is just a phase... then you will feel that your friends (El gaodad... elly enty mish 3arfa if they are reall walla la2...will be close enough. And you will have you family back soon ISA and much more ISA.

At 3/21/2006 08:37:00 PM, Blogger Me said...


What can I say?! At least now I know I really do have friends... bless you all... Rabena yebareklokom w feekom inshAllah...

I'm much much better now.... was just a moment keda when I sort of broke down...

Will answer each one of you individually but I gotta run now to my aunt's house ... my cousin's daughter has been waiting for me to come so we can chat (she's 12 and really looks up to me like I dunno what *blush*)

See you around... really miss you all.. haven't been able to really read or comment on your blogs lately ...


At 3/24/2006 09:13:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Ameen for your lovely doaa... I think Rabena estagaab... el7amdulilah :-)

I'm myself again el7amdulilah... you're right... shouldn't bottle up feelings any more... but I used to do that to try and not make the people around me worry about me... but should NEVER EVER bottle them up from "me" any more...
it's just that I don't like to be sad (who does anyway?!?) ... I like to feel "Elreda" as much as I can ... most of the time I sincerely feel it... but I guess as human beings it's impossible to do that all the time!

Allah yijma3kom ento kamaan 3ala kheir inshAllah :-)

Yeah... el7amdulilah it all came out.... bas ana lessa ba2ollek bardo... I'm no angel ya benti ;-D

A is my best friend back in Libya... we do contact each other sometimes but it's not the same... her working hours and mine are different so we're not usually free at the same times and can't really get together to "chat" and "pour out" everything... it's usually more of wanting to know that we're OK w keda... attamen 3aleiha ya3ni ...

Awwwwwwwww.... that's soooooooo sweet! As I said ... I now know that I have friends here...
you SMS me and whenever you need a chat ... and if I'm home we'll chat (remember the one with Doshar? It was hilarious!!!)

Ameen... hope you're feeling ok now too :)


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