Shahira

I have 11 students in my new class... we sit on a table together... people on my right, my left and facing me... I usually learn my students' names by the first 10 mins of the first class... I mean most of them just 'look like their names' ! But not this time .... for some reason I kept calling a girl called Asmaa - Shahira ... which was the name of another girl in class! Not that I'd call the other one Asmaa... no no ... she was Shahira as well :D... And was this for a day? No... went on like that for like 3 days or something... I'd say Shahira and look at Asmaa on the opposite side of the table... Oh my God ... this has never happened to me... and I was starting to worry that the girl might seriously start to get irritated... students like it when their teachers seem to know their names from the start right away ... creates rapport if you know what I mean.... anyway.. I finally managed to convince myself that she was Asmaa and things have been OK since then :-)

PS. She still looks like a 'Shahira' to me though :-P

Random

Supposed to be studying... ended up reading and commenting on blogs... haven't done that in ages... missed it like crazy... felt like I was catching up with old friends... some of which had so much to say! Still haven't finished with my blogroll though... but I've spent like an hour and a half and I should really get back to studying... will be really stuck for time later !

I've decided to take a test called the Teaching Knowledge Test which is supposed to be on April the 19th ... coming all the way from Cambridge... and not really available on a regular basis here in Alexandria ... so I don't want to let this chance go... did the sample tests they had online ... and I can say I did really well (they had the answer key of course) .... but ... I still gotta study a bit y'know... especially that I haven't been able to do that for a week...

You see, little bro was here on a short vacation from the military service.... for 6 days... yep... only 6 days .. and only God knows when he'll be able to come again .... anyway ... el7amulilah for these 6 days .... it was hectic and crazy ... with him trying to catch up with everything ... his work, MSc. studies, social work and an event they're trying to put together .... and relax too !! I guess you know what fell off the list ! The funny part was I felt I was his mama :) ....most of the time with little bro... we're like best, best friends.... but I do sometimes get that mama feeling with him from time to time :D ... I mean waking up early in the morning to cook for him before I go to work coz he'll be back before me is a mama feeling .... listening to him recalling the shocking things that happen over there... then sometimes crying with frustration that this is actually happening to him.... is a mama feeling .... I don't really know how to put it in words... but between sharing, loving and fighting as brother and sister ... sometimes this mama thingie touches me ....

Wonder what type of mother I'd make? I can see big bro's wife M now as a new mother.... giving up everything for little baby N... would I be able to do that? I dunno ...
They're supposed to be here for a 2 week vacation today isA ! Can't wait to see baby N ... she's absolutely adorable in the photos! and you know the naughty, playful type which I just can't resist !

Guess I won't get much studying done :D

Nerro in Alex

Met Nerro today... she was here in Alex on a one day visit... so we got together for around an hour... chatted, looked at her photos (which were wonderful btw... please, please post some ya Nerro)... and.... spoke about Alex...and as we were talking....I realised, through her- how much I love Alexandria...
Please come again, Nerro... enjoy your day... and awaken in me all those lovely feelings for Alexandria ;-)

White bags...

I fall in love with a certain bag... I want to buy the beige one ... I really need it ... but am in a hurry and going to work or something so I don't buy it at the moment.... I go next day or the day after that.... I'd like the beige bag with so and so .... sold? You don't have any more? You only get 1 of each colour? Oh OK.... how about your branches? OK I'll check them out... a couple of days later.... no beige bag even in the other branch .... so ..... I buy the white one !

Around a year later....I fall in love again with another bag.... but this time I need a brown one... I don't buy it though .... because I don't have enough money on me at the moment... a few days later.... no brown bag... Sold :( ... maybe they manage to find me one in the other branch.... days later.... sorry .... no brown bag .... soooooooo........ I buy the white one !

Dear A,

I don't know when you'll get this... or even if you ever will... but I'm writing it all the same; just because I feel like writing to you.... had the sudden urge to write... to write you a letter that one day you'll hold in your hands and unfold to find my words scattered yet filling the page...

It's now 1:12 am, Friday 17th March... I'm at my aunt's house... sleeping over... How strange life is and how the days bring the most unexpected things... who would've thought that one day I would be all alone here in Alexandria without any of my family?! But here I am- alone- no mama, no baba, no S, & not even dear H... this is life my friend... and as strong as I may seem on the outside... there are times like today and this very moment, that I feel I really need someone... someone close... someone with whom I can be totally myself ...

As I write this... in spite of myself... tears stream down my face... not tears of self pity ... no... tears of longing... tears of .... oh I don't know what to call them... but I can tell you that's it been long since I last cried... and seems all this was bottled up inside... and it was time to let it all out...

But life goes on el7amdulilah... and things are fine.... I'm still the same old me... pretty much the same... and I've made many friends- people who seem to enjoy my company and appreciate it... but are they really friends? What are friends again? And how do we know that we may now call one a friend? Sub7an Allah... feelings that can never be fully understood or explained to oneself!

I don't want you to worry about me, dear A... I'm fine... I assure you... but it's alright to feel weak once in a while, isn't it? No harm in that... After months and months of my happy, smiling, confident face on display... one night of weak tears is nothing, right? But it is something; something that will inshAllah keep me going and recharge me for more and more days of the happy, confident face... the way everyone around me sees me... only you and H can tell when behind that strong face lies weakness.... you both see right through me... and today you surely would've felt it....

Ya Allah, I haven't let myself cry like this for ages! The feeling of the warm tears on my face... how soothing they feel as they slowly trickle down on my cheeks and onto my neck... El7amdulilah and sub7an Allah that God created tears to relieve us... Sub7an Allah ...

Now there are no more tears left my friend... Thank you for listening... I knew I could count on you... as I've always done and will always do inshAllah...

Love,
Me

Run run run

Well, apparently going to sleep over at my aunts' is easier said than done :-/ ... been quite hectic the past couple of days... had loads of work to do as there's a small project I'm working on which is supposed to be handed in this week + the usual preparations for the English classes... I'm always on the run ... and lugging around stuff... not a very pretty sight ;-)

El7amdulilah for everything ... inshAllah next week my schedule will be better and things should start to shape up a little !!

Just a name?

How different my name looks when written in Arabic...lots of curves in English ... but in Arabic ... lines ... looks different...like a different person...although it's the same "Me"... but does a name really say who you are? I dunno... but I can't imagine myself being called anything else... I guess in a way it blends into who we are with time...

Try writing your name in both languages and have a good look at it... tell me what you see ;-)

PS. Was talking about my real name ... not "Me" ;-)

Where should I stay? Update

Thanks for your input girls, I really appreciate it :) Was actually writing this as a comment then I realised it was getting pretty long so I posted it here instead..

Our family is really small... I may have never mentioned it but I only have an uncle and an aunt from my dad's side and 2 aunts from my mum's...

All my cousins on my dad's side are married (they're only 5 btw) with the exception of one guy (uncle's son) so you can understand why staying at my uncle's house wasn't an option....and I only have one girl cousin whose hubby works at sea and she is in the biggest mess ever between her house and her mum's ... the kids' schools... her job etc etc... I'm usually the one helping her out !!!

One of my aunts from my mum's side lives in Saudi Arabia now, and the other one is the unmarried one living with my granny...it would be impossible to ask my granny to leave her house and come an' live with me coz now at her age she doesn't feel comfy except in her own home... and of course my aunt can't leave her alone and come with me...

So you see I don't really have any cousins or aunts who can come and live with me!! That's why my options were limited to me going to stay with them...

Now you guys mentioned bringing a "live in" maid to stay with me... I'm afraid we don't know anyone we could really trust... there was a nanny who used to help in taking care of my granny Allah yer7amha (dad's mum) but she wasn't "live in" ... ya3ni she had her own family....my family are sort of against "live in" maids w keda... ya3ni we have someone come on certain days but that's about it.... the last time my dad's family had a live in maid was like 30 years ago or something when they were young girls "min elballad" and they knew their parents (dad's family is originally from Minia)... and were sorta helping their parents out by bringing them to live with them....

My mum left yesterday.... I stayed at our flat... but will probably start sleeping over at my aunt's from tomorrow inshAllah.... everybody is worried sick about me ... though there is no need to worry at all... they seem to think I'll feel lonely or have nothing to do or something... so ya 7abaybi keep calling and making sure I'm OK... the point is I don't spend much time at home... I'm mostly running from place to place during the day... from the Language centre to the office... to the NGO... to the mosque...sometimes meeting friends... and when I'm home I have soooooo much to do... I usually don't finish.... many a day I fall asleep with the light on and an open book !!

Today I'm staying at home in the morning for a change... have work to do at home... I'll probably only go out at 3esha to the mosque... hope I manage to finish all there is to be done :-)

PS. Loul, you seem to have gone through a lot of "stay alone" problems ! El7amdulilah that they sorted themselves out...

PPS. Doshar, I have wild parties every other night ;-P

PPPS. Wonderer, you were asking if my mum was Libyan... nope she isn't ... my mum is Egyptian of Turkish origins... she has to take a visa for going out and into Libya though... nothing to do with Egypt ya3ni...

Where should I stay?

So little bro has finished his first 45 days of military training... what comes next ? He gets sent to some place in Egypt to spend the rest of the year... the ironic thing is for some reason I don't understand they never get positioned in their hometowns... it's like a system or something... people from Alexandria get sent to places like Marsa Matrouh in the west.... Caireons get sent to Sina or soemthing .. etc etc .... now what happens is everyone tries to get help ... wasta ya3ni... to move to his hometown... we've been trying to do this for little bro... don't know how things will work out yet ... only God knows .... Rabena yesahil inshAllah....

Mama is really worried ... she has to go back to Libya next Friday max... her visa ends .... she's been here for 2 months ... Wow ... 2 whole months... and now she must go back... what's worrying her is .. what if little bro isn't in Alex? Where am I going to stay? I have 2 options...

a) My granny and unmarried aunt ... but they live somewhere which is just so far away from everywhere I go... I mean ... work, NGO, mosque, ... everywhere... another thing is ... no internet connection....

b)My aunt (dad's sis) .... lives around 15 mins from our flat... close enough to work...my cousins are all married... but one of them still practically lives there coz her hubby works at sea... has 2 kids who love to sit and chat with me... no internet connection either..

I'm trying to tell mama not to worry ... I'll manage ... but the truth is I don't want to stay at either place.... I do love them all... and I'm sure they'd do their best to make me comfortable and at home... but it would still be too much of a hassle.... I mean I won't be able to tag all of my things along... plus when I prepare my lessons I always get those late night ideas that have me rummaging through our drawers and shelves for anything ranging from travel guides to canelloni !! And now with another part time job as an engineer (yesssss !!! just started 10 days ago) I also keep going back to my books to check things out....So I think I'd prefer to come back from work to our flat... have lunch, relax, and work... then take my things for the next day and go to sleep over at my aunt's.... it won't be easy... maybe tiring... but for me... that may be the most suitable thing to do...

Who knows... maybe I don't need to do that... maybe little bro gets positioned in Alex (ya Rab!!).... isA everything goes well and Rabena yerratebha lela7san....

Note: Some of you may be thinking "What's the big deal? Why don't you just stay at your flat?" ...it's just that it's still not "culturally acceptable" here to do that... and I'm sure my Egyptian blogger friends know what I'm talking about...

I'm human

I'm not an angel y'know... I'm human... with all the good and bad in me... I'm human.... I can't take the stress any more... I can't take my mum crying every day for reason or no reason...I can't take feeling helpless and not knowing what to do....I can't take not having time to do things I should and want to do... I can't take having to stay up to get work done that I should've done during the day but couldn't... I can't take having to calm everyone down all the time... I can't take keeping quiet when I'm going to burst.... I can't take smiling when I feel like crying... I just can't take it any more....

El7amdulilah for everything... I am blessed I know... and I count my blessings every day but I had to let this out...

اللهم اغفر لي ذنبي و أذهب غيظ قلبي و أجرني من الشيطان